I wish to formally express my intention to apply for the post of Archbishop of Canterbury. I attach my application below. (I do hope that you are accepting outside applications; as I’m sure your Majesty is well aware our own Lord Jesus Christ was not himself one of the Pharisees or religious stalwarts of the day, and look what he achieved.)
Kathryn is a loyal subject of your Majesty, so much so that she has moved to Latvia. (I am aware that should I be successful in my application, relocation will be mandatory. I trust the Palace has some kind of relocation loans scheme in operation.) She is currently self-employed and spends many days in her own company. Kathryn also volunteers regularly for a local charity which supports disadvantaged children. This quiet life of self-sacrifice ideally lends itself to the role of Archbishop, not least because it involves living in Canterbury, of all places.
Why I am suitable for the role of Archbishop of Canterbury
I feel I am uniquely placed to fulfil the role of the Archbishop of Canterbury for the following principle reasons:
– I hold moderate left wing views, which express themselves in a strong social conscience.
– I am a woman. Appointing me is a simple way to silence the debate about women in church leadership, as I can hold the debate privately, in my head.
– I know all the words to Jerusalem and Henry V’s ‘St. Crispin’s Day’ speech.
– I believe in full seperation of church and state. My appointment will neutralise me and render me harmless to the Anglian church. (Do you really want to leave me on the outside pissing in? Well do you? Don’t cross me, your majesty, I have a blog and I’m not afraid to use it.)
– I look stupid in any hat so that one won’t matter.
I can read, write, speak, listen and create dodgy powerpoint presentations as much as the next person.
Education and qualifications
– I was christened into the Anglican church, and I went on to play Mary-Mother-of-Jesus in the 1994 nativity. Previously I gave my ‘Angel number three’ and ‘Surprised lamb’ to great applause. All this was years ago; I must be due for a promotion by now.
– I possess three bibles in two languages.
– I have a half-GSCE in Religous Studies (A grade). For my final paper I debated the ethics of George Orwell and Brian May. (You like Brian May, your Majesty, he’s been on your roof. Allow me to ingratiate myself to you further, your Highness, by stating that I like him too.)
Other notable achievements
– I once prayed over a broken CD player, which subsequently worked.
– While at University in Sheffield, I walked up a truly massive hill to get to church each week. If that doesn’t spell commitment to the faith, I don’t know what does.
I should also add, although I hope it does not hinder my application, that I am a practising christian and I do believe in God, Jesus and the Holy spirit. And, of course, your majesty’s continued health. I don’t fancy that Charles as a boss, thank you very much.
Thank you for your time, your Highness. I trust in your prompt response.
*I have diverged from the standard ‘CV’, lest your Majesty find the Latin unhelpfully Roman in its tastes.